One Day at a Time
by Lynnlee22
Summary: Kevin and Kelly will be the focus, with some Jelly thrown in for good measure. This is AU with some references to history that should, for the most part, be fairly true to the show's history.
1. Angst

**Agony**

Life can change in an instant. She'd always heard that. She'd heard people say it—maybe even said it herself once or twice, but it wasn't until the past few days that she truly understood what it meant. It had been nearly three days….twenty seven hours to be exact, and yet Kelly could still feel the phone in her hand. She could still hear the words Kevin spoke and she could still hear the screams. So loud and so pained—she wondered why they wouldn't stop. Then she realized the screams were her own.


	2. Bereavement

**Bereavement**

"Kel." Joey entered the room cautiously, speaking softly in case she had finally drifted off to sleep. As he turned the corner and walked around to the front of the sofa, he saw her staring off into space. She no longer cried, though he could tell by her tear stained faced that she had been. Her eyes looked swollen and red.

Sitting down by her feet, he carefully touched her hand. "Kel, Can I get you anything. You haven't eaten anything since.." He stopped, looking at her eyes which had finally moved over to focus on him. All of his life he'd thought things happened for reasons, he'd believed that things could be explained, but this—what was the reason for this?

"I'm not hungry," she said, her voice neither angry nor sad. The tone in her voice now was resignation. Empty, hopeless resignation and that scared him most of all.

He moved closer to her, desperate to help her somehow…to bring her back from wherever it was that she'd gone. "Kel, I know you're hurting. God, I know you're hurting like hell. I understand."

It was as if every cell within her was lit on fire. Her eyes burned with anger as she felt tears begin to fill them. "Don't you ever say you understand! You have no idea! Do you hear me? You have no idea what this is like? You've never had children…you don't know what it's like to lose one!"

She stopped then, regretting the hurt her words had caused, but unable to honestly regret the words themselves. Joey didn't know. He didn't understand. He couldn't. Only Kevin could and he was in London, preparing to fly back to Llanview with their son.


	3. Chapter 3

**Comfort**

It was Joey who broke the silence. "You're right," he silently nodded. "I don't…I don't understand what this is like for you, but I want to. I want you to talk to me…to tell me and no, I don't have children, but that doesn't mean that I didn't love…" His own voice broke as the reality of the situation hit him all over again.

"I know," she whispered, reaching out for his hand. "I know you loved him. I know you did." She hung her head, desperately searching for something, anything to say that might make some sense of this. "And I'm sorry…for what I said earlier about children about you not having…especially after everything…"

"Don't." He held up his hand. "We don't need to talk about that right now. The last thing you need to worry about right now is how I'm feeling. I don't want you to worry about what you're saying or doing and how it affects me. I'm a big boy. I can handle it."

Kelly shook her head. "I know, but I know how much you wanted to have a baby…and I…I just…"

"Hey," he carefully wrapped his arms around her. Closing his eyes, he held her as her back shook with waves of sobs. They were finally happy—really happy. After the wedding, they had decided to start trying for a baby quickly, expecting to be able to join the ranks of the new parents in their family soon. Month after month brought disappointment, and now this….

"Listen," he softly reminded her, "We've got our whole lives together. We've got plenty of time. Right now, this needs to be about you…and about Kevin…about getting the two of you through this. All I want to think about is helping the two of you honor Zane." He rubbed her back slowly, hoping his words were comforting her somehow. "I just need you to tell me what you need, ok?"

He looked down as he received no response.

"Kel?"

Sighing he leaned back, carefully removing his arm and placing a pillow underneath her head. Sleep had finally mercifully arrived.


	4. Chapter 4

Details

Kevin stared at the tray in front of them. "You want any of this?" he asked, looking over at Kelly as she sat beside him on the couch.

Shaking her head, she watched him as he stood, walking into the kitchen. The noise of the tray hitting the inside of the steel can startled her.

"Hmmph," she sighed, as he rejoined her on the sofa.

"What?"

"You're the first person in days that hasn't tried to force me to eat something." She looked up at him. He looked as lost as she felt. Zane had been his world and now he was gone. The pain and emptiness that echoed inside her soul was reflected in his eyes and somehow that was some comfort. Not because he was hurting, she didn't relish that, but it was good to know that someone truly understood the depth of her pain.

"I can't eat…why should I expect you to?" he responded, his normal sarcastic tone missing from his words.

Sighing, she caught sight of Joey's car as it backed out the driveway. As she followed Kevin's gaze, she knew he saw it too.

He looked up at her. "You should go with him. You should be with your husband."

"No. I need to be here with you. I need to know…I need to know what happened."

"Kelly." Kevin knew she wanted details, but they weren't going to help. Nothing was going to help. Nothing was going to bring Zane back.

"I need to know, Kev…please. Just tell me. Tell me that he didn't suffer, please."

Looking down at her, he saw something he recognized, the same sense of absolute emptiness that he felt. It was as if someone had reached inside and stolen a part of him. Zane wasn't his biological son, but it hadn't mattered. Zane had been the best part of him. He was all he had left of Duke…all he had left of Kelly…all he had left of the happiest part of his life.

It no longer mattered to him how Zane came to be—the circumstances of his conception weren't important.

"Kevin.."

Kelly's voice pierced the air. The tears streamed down her face. "I can't live not knowing. I can't not know how my son…"

Kevin reached out, taking her hand in his. "Shhh," he whispered. "The coastguard said there wasn't any indication that the boat was taking on water. They didn't know they were in trouble. The boat capsized. The coroner.." He cleared his throat. The story was the same. He'd told it at least ten times, to various people over the past few days, but it didn't get any easier.

"He said there wasn't any water in his lungs. He was already gone when he hit the water."

"Was he?" She took a breath, willing her heart to keep beating. Sometimes she felt as if the grief could literally kill her and other times she wished it would. "Was he alone?"

"No," Kevin managed a small smile. "He has his friends with him. They were all on the boat…a group of five."

"That's good." She closed her eyes in grateful thanks. "That's good."


	5. Chapter 5

Empathy

It was still there—exactly where it had been since this morning. She knew she needed to look at it, make plans, make decisions, but somehow the fact that she could sit here without anyone expecting anything of her was some comfort.

"How do we do this?" she finally spoke, watching Kevin as he slowly turned to look at her. She slowly picked up the book. "We're supposed to look at this, flip through these pages, and what…pick…" The pages fell past her fingers, one by one…. It seemed wrong on so many levels, the death of their son commemorated with a funeral home's catalogue of amenities.

"I don't know," he admitted, covering her hands with his. "I did want to…" He thought for a moment, unsure if now was an appropriate time to bring this up, not that there was ever an appropriate time. "I want to talk to you about something."

"Ok," she said, quietly.

"I thought we could bury him…we could bury him here." He fought for the words, barely able to believe they were referring to his son. "I want him to be with….I want to bury him beside…"

Kelly nodded. "Beside Duke." She looked up, meeting his gaze. "God,Kevin." It hit her, perhaps for the first time, that the man in front of her had lost not one, but both, of his children.

Her face seemed to crumble in front of him. "Don't do this, Kelly," Kevin whispered, not at all anxious to continue down this road.

"I just…" She looked away from him. "I feel like both of your sons died because of me."

Kevin sat silent, honestly confused. "What?"

"Duke died so that I could have a chance to live and Zane…If I had been a better mother….If I had been there for him. What mother doesn't fly her son home on breaks? I should have flown him here for break? He would have never been on that boat. This should have never happened. I should have been there. I should have been with him." Her words came quick as her breathing became more and more shallow.

"Stop this, Kelly." Kevin grabbed her shoulders, forcefully, "You've got to stop this."

"How Kevin? How did you do it? How did you get through this? How did you stop blaming yourself for everything? How did you even get out of bed in the morning?" The tears streamed down her face undeterred. She felt her heart beating faster and faster as the words flew from her mouth.

He let his hands relax, loosening his grip on her shoulders, as he gently brought a hand to her face, wiping away the tears. "That's easy," he whispered. "It was because of you."


	6. Chapter 6

Forbidden

"I'm sorry." Kevin quickly pulled his hand away, standing up and walking over to the window. "I shouldn't have…I didn't mean to….I'm sorry."

Kelly shook her head. "It's ok," she whispered.

"No, it's not." He turned around to face her though he didn't move from his space in front of the window. "The last thing I want to do is make any trouble for you. I'm here so that we can support each other…I just…I just don't know what I'm feeling right now. Everything inside me is so messed up."

"I know. I feel so alone. Like no one understands this…." She looked up, watching him intently. "No one except you."

"Joey." Kevin said his name, in part to remind himself of his existence. He couldn't forget about his brother, about the fact that he and Kelly were married, about the toll he'd taken on their relationship before. "Joey wants to help you. He loves you. He'd do anything in the world to help you through this. You should let him."

"I know," she softly replied. "But he doesn't understand. He can't. He's never experienced anything like this. He doesn't know how it feels." She stood, slowly closing the space between them with slow, deliberate steps.

"He loves you, Kelly," Kevin replied. "You two are together now. He can help you through this…you've just got to let him in."

"I tried." She stood in front of him now, her green eyes shining up at him, as they had many times before. "He wants to help me get through the pain,he thinks I need to talk about it, to feel it, to work through it."

"Maybe you do," Kevin replied, taking a step backward, trying to avoid what already seemed inevitable.

"I'm afraid it will swallow me whole," she managed. "I'm afraid if I allow myself to feel it, I'll be consumed by it. The pain I have inside of me right now….it seems overwhelming."

He nodded, feeling his eyes begin to burn with tears. "I know," he whispered, reaching out to brush a strand of hair away from her face. "Believe me, I know."

"I need to feel something else…anything else…just for a little while." She looked up at him again, desperate for something, anything that would overcome the grief that seemed to overwhelm her every thought.

"Call Joey." Kevin moved to walk away as he felt Kelly's hand grab his.

"Please don't leave me." Her voice seemed to plead with him.

He turned around, staring at her as she stood there. It didn't make any sense, but then again nothing did. Nothing had made any sense since the moment God had taken his son from him. As he pulled Kelly into his arms, he closed his eyes, commanding his conscience into silence. Tonight both of them needed to remember how to forget.


	7. Chapter 7

**Grief**

She wrapped the sheet around her, careful not to wake Kevin as she slid off the edge of the bed. She stood, staring at him for a moment, wishing that she too still had the reprieve of sleep to comfort her.

The tile was cool beneath her bare feet, a sharp contrast to the numbness that had overtaken her body. The face in the mirror judged her, chastised her, questioning how she could do this to Joey….again. He was a good man, a man she loved, a man she'd married, and yet still she'd betrayed him….

Dressing quickly, she hurried from the room, hoping to make it out of the house before Kevin woke up. She needed to get home. She needed to see Joey. No one needed to know about this. This time it was about grief. No hidden feelings, no secret desires. Grief, plain and simple.

 **Home**

Joey met her at the door, taking her in his arms, and holding her tight. "I was so worried about you," he whispered, cupping her face in his hands as he looked at her. "I tried to call you but your phone went straight to voice mail. Where have you been?"

"I was…I was with Kevin," she said, looking away, afraid that if she looked at him, he'd see the guilt in her eyes.

He nodded, leading her gently over to the couch. "That's good. You both needed some time together. Were you able to make any decisions?"

"No…not yet. Kevin…he wants to bury Zane next to Duke, so we're going to do that…" Her voice trailed away. It was all so overwhelming and the events of last night certainly didn't help to simplify anything.

"I can go with you if you want…to the funeral home…You and Kevin don't have to do this alone, you know." Joey put his arm around her shoulder, trying to comfort her. She seemed so far away from him and yet she sat close enough to touch.

"You don't need to do that. We can handle it. I need to call him later. We probably need to go over there and look at some things or something. I don't know." The familiar feeling of began to return to her body and she felt the sting of tears return to her eyes. "I just don't know anything anymore." She looked up at Joey. The tears were for Zane, for her, for Kevin, and for him. Her entire life, her vision of it, was gone.

"Kel, I know you're hurting and right now this all seems overwhelming, but you will get through this. I'll help you…I promise you I will….if you'll let me."

"I don't think you can, Joey," she managed, averting her eyes again. He was so sincere. She didn't deserve it.

"What if I could?" he asked, his words hesitant but his voice slightly hopeful.

"What do you mean?" she asked.

"Before all this happened…you and I…we'd been trying to start a family of our own. The doctor said she thought the medication would help. What if we tried again?"

Kelly shook her head. "So I just replace him?" She stood up, looking back at him with a mix of shock and disgust.

"No…No…Kelly. I didn't mean it like that. I didn't mean it like that at all. I just meant this could give you something else to hope for… Something else to live for."

He could see his words were making little impact. Her eyes continued to glare at him. " I know you loved Zane and nothing could ever replace him….I would never dream of ever trying to replace him. God Kelly…I loved him too."

"I can't…I can't even look at you right now," she managed, heading out the door.

Joey stood up, rushing after her. He opened his mouth to call out her name, and then stopped. There was no use. Maybe some time alone was what she needed.

 **Inlaw**

She pounded on the door a mild representation of what her head had been doing since she'd walked out on Joey. Her hands shook, so much so that she'd been worried she wouldn't be able to drive. When she'd made it over to the house, she'd nearly burst into tears when Vikki told her Kevin was keeping a suite at the Palace.

But now here she was. She had to see him. He was her safe place. He was the only person that understood. She struggled to calm herself, knowing that would be the first thing he'd say, but she couldn't. She was so angry, or hurt, or sad, or something….though she couldn't say exactly what.

As the door opened in front of her, she fell into his arms, sobbing as he held her.

Kevin stepped back, not saying a word, leading her inside and closing the door.

An hour—maybe two…that's how long she'd been laying in his arms. Nothing had been said. Sometimes there were no words.

Kevin sighed deeply.

"What is it?" she asked softly, hating immediately to break the silent reverence.

"We can't do this, Kel." He looked down at her. As wonderful as it felt, holding her again…it was as wrong now, as it had been all those years ago.

Kelly was silent. "I need you," she finally responded. "I don't have to talk when I'm with you. I don't have to pretend to be better or try to move on. I can be who I am with you."

Kevin shook his head. "That may not be a good thing. Maybe you need someone that can help you. I'm not good for you, Kel."

"You are, though!" She sat up quickly, holding her head as the blood rushed to it.

"You ok?" Kevin asked, his concern evident.

"I'm fine," she assured him. "I just haven't been sleeping."

"Or eating…" he stated, allowing the words to hang in the air.

She shook her head, staring down at her hands. "It's just…every time I close my eyes, I can see…" Her voice broke then.

"I know." He wrapped his arms around her again, wishing more than anything that he could take away her pain as well as his own.

"Have you thought about seeing someone?" He immediately saw the look in her eyes and rephrased. "Not like a shrink, Kel. Just a doctor…maybe someone who could give you something…something to help you cope…just for a little while."

"I don't know," she whispered.

"I think it might help. At least something to help you sleep. Hell," he smiled a little. "We could split it."

She smiled a little too. In spite of everything, he could still get to her. "Ok," she sighed. Looking up at him, she reached for his hand. "You'll go with me?"

"There's nowhere else I'd rather be".

 **Jarring**

Kelly sat on the edge of the metal bed, her legs dangling off the side. "I don't understand why all this is necessary," she sighed. "It's not like they don't know what's wrong with me."

Kevin placed his hand on her shoulder, removing it after he thought better of it. "They just want to make sure so they know what you need.". He looked at her, his brow furrowing with concern.

"What is it?"

"You look really pale, Kel. You sure you feel ok?" He knew he wasn't looking his best these days, but Kelly's gaunt, pale appearance worried him.

"I should be pale," she scoffed. "They must have taken half the blood in my body."

"I'm sure it's not as..." He stopped mid sentence as the door opened and a young, female doctor entered the room.

"Hello Mr. and Mrs. Buchanan. I'm Dr. Fischer."

"Oh, he's not Mr. Buchanan," Kelly interrupted, then paused. "Well, he is, but he's not my husband."

"I see," she responded, glancing over in Kevin's direction. "I apologize, but," She turned her attention bank towards Kelly. " In that case, I'm going to need you to step outside while I discuss Mrs. Buchanan's test results."

Kelly felt a lump grow in her throat. "test results," she repeated, confused. "I just came to see if you could give me something to help me sleep."

The doctor nodded knowingly. "I understand that Mrs. Buchanan, but we need to discuss some abnormalities with your test results, so if you'll excuse us.". She pulled the door open gesturing towards the lobby so that Kevin could walk out.

"No," Kelly said, grabbing his hand as he turned to walk from the room.

"It's ok," he replied, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze. "I'll be right outside."

"No." Kelly looked over at the doctor. "I'd like him to stay. Whatever you need to say you can say in front of him."

"Alright," the doctor nodded. "If you're sure."

"I am." Kelly took a deep breath, suddenly incredibly grateful that Kevin was here. "So what is it? What's wrong with me?"

"Nothing is wrong with you, Mrs. Buchanan, but I'm afraid I can't give you anything to help you sleep."

"Why? If nothing's wrong, then why can't you help me?" She squeezed her hands together as she tried to stop the shaking.

"Simple Mrs. Buchanan, you're pregnant."

 **Karma**

He held the door for her as she slowly made her way through. The drive home had been in absolute silence—both of them trying to digest the news they'd just been given.

As Kelly slowly sat down on the small sofa, she looked up at Kevin. "I'm having a baby with my husband. I'm supposed to be happy." She laughed a little the irony of it all as she felt a tear falling down her cheek.

"You can be." Kevin forced a smile as he took a seat beside her. "You should be. This is good news. Joey will be a wonderful father…and you…you'll be…you were…." He stopped. Zane…it was still so hard to believe that he would forever be spoken about in the past tense. It didn't seem real.

"My God, Kevin," She put her head in her hands. "Do you know how long we've wanted this? Do you know how long we've tried for this? Over a year…" This was more information that he needed to know and she was certain it was more than he wanted to know, but somehow the words just kept pouring out. "A month ago…hell, a week ago, this news would have made me the happiest woman in the world…but now…Now I feel like this is the universe's version of a bad joke. Like it's some kind of karma."

"Don't say that," Kevin demanded. "You're having a baby with the man you love. That's a wonderful thing…no matter what the circumstances. You and Joey will be wonderful parents."

"Kevin." Her voice echoed through the room. She searched his face for signs of understanding, for some suggestion that he understood that nothing was the way it should be. "You can't honestly believe we can just go back to the way things were…not after what happened…"

"Do you remember what happened the last time we let things get out of control? Do you remember how bad we hurt Joey? How bad we ended up hurting each other?" Kevin stood up, pacing back and forth down the floor in front of her. He'd never forget the look on his brother's face that day. Disgust. His own brother looked at him with disgust and it was something he'd hoped he would never see again.

"Of course I remember." Her tears had become so frequent that she no longer seemed to notice or care that they fell. They seemed as much a part of her as breathing. "I could never forget something like this, but we can't just go on…pretend it didn't happen."

"This time it was different," he argued. "There was a reason. We lost our son. We were both crazy with guilt and grief and we reached out to each other. That's all it was. That's it."

"What if it isn't, Kevin?" She looked up at him again, her eyes searching his for a reaction. "What if that's not all it is?"

 **Learning**

"Come on, Kelly," Kevin sighed. "We both know what this is." Reaching up, he softly touched her face. "I'll always love you and you know that, but this," he moved his hand between them, trying to think of the words. He dropped his hands to his lap, when he failed. "Whatever this is…it's not love. Not the way you mean…not the kind of love that you and Joey have."

Her eyes brimmed with tears. "How do you know that?"

He smiled at her. "Because it's never about me, Kel…and it never has been. When we were together the other night, it wasn't about me…it wasn't even really about us. It was about Zane and about how much we both missed him. It was about feeling something else…anything else besides that pain."

She nodded, allowing him to continue.

Softly, he wiped a tear from her face. "And tonight, sweetheart, tonight, when you came here. You didn't come here for me. You didn't come here because you wanted me. You came here because you were upset with Joey. You came because that's what we are to each other…we're each other's other option. The person that you know will always love you…the one that you know will always be there."

There was silence for a moment as she considered his words.

"Tell me I'm wrong," he said softly.

Kelly slowly raised her eyes, barely able to look at him. "I do love you," she said softly.

"I know you do," he smiled. "I know you do. I love you too." He took her hand in his, bringing it to his lips as he softly kissed it. "But you love my brother. That's the man you want to be with. That's the man you should be sharing your life with."

"When he finds out about this, Kevin….I'm gonna lose him. I'm gonna lose him again."

Kevin shook his head. "Look, you and Joey are having a baby. Why ruin that? You have a lot to be happy about." Placing his hand on her face, he spoke emphatically, "Let this go."

"You want me to lie to him? Kevin…you saw how well that went the last time we tried to keep this from him."

"This time, I'm leaving town in a few days. I'll be in London and you'll be here with your husband and your baby. It'll work." He moved to answer his cell phone which rang inside his pocket.

"Yeah…Yeah Mom. Ok. Ok. I'll be there. Yeah. Ok. She's here with me. I'll tell her. Ok. Love you too, Bye." He closed the phone, slipping it back into his jacket pocket.

"Your mom?" Kelly smiled.

"Yeah. She uh…she's made lunch and she wants us to come eat. She's worried about you and to be honest, so am I. You've got to start taking better care of yourself."

Kelly nodded. "I know. Look, you go ahead. Is it ok if I stay here for a few minutes…just to be by myself for a little bit. I'll be over there in a bit. I promise."

"Sure," Kevin stood, reaching in and softly kissing her on the cheek. "Just don't take too long. She'll be sending out the hounds." He pulled away, checking her expression, which still reflected worry and stress. "Listen," he took her hands in his. "this is all going to be ok. I promise you."

"I hope so," she sighed. "I really hope you're right."

 **Messages**

Kevin carefully read the note. "Great," he sighed.

Vikki had been called out for an emergency at the Banner. Kevin scanned the contents of the table. Nothing looked vaguely appetizing. In truth, nothing had looked appetizing in days. He spied the mashed potatoes on the counter top, and felt his throat tighten. For a moment, he allowed himself to go there…to think about the last night he spent with his son. Zane had taken to life in London almost immediately. As soon as he'd learned to talk, he's started giving orders—no doubt a trait he'd picked up from the Buchanan side of the family.

He could still hear his little voice requesting bangers and mash at the dinner table. There should be a way to record it, he realized—fearful that one day, he'd forget what it sounded like. It, like so many other memories, would slowly fade away.

Shaking his head, he turned and headed upstairs. He had to pack. He needed to get out of this town as soon as possible…before he caused anyone anymore pain. There had certainly been enough of that.

The red pullover sweater landed on top of the heap in the brown leather suitcase. He didn't care enough to fold it. He didn't care about much of anything anymore except his family…what was left of it. The last thing he wanted to do was to hurt them. Joey was his brother and if loving him meant losing Kelly… His mind stalled, as if the thought itself was simply too painful to finish.

Moving quickly, he jerked the phone from the base, picking it up finally, for no other reason than to quell the incessant ringing.

"Yeah?" he said, gruffly.

"Kevin?" Kelly was hesitant. "Is everything ok? Where were you? I was about to hang up when the machine came on."

Immediately, he felt his demeanor change. She had that effect on him. She always had. The simple sound of her voice could calm him, more powerful than anything else he'd seen. "Sorry. I was upstairs…I had to get some stuff together."

"You're packing, aren't you?" She ran her hand over her face. "Kevin, we need to talk about this."

"There's nothing to talk about," he retorted. He couldn't allow her to continue. Already he didn't want to go. It would take very little convincing on her part to get him to stay.

"Kevin please…I don't want you to go," she said softly.

"Kelly…I have to. You know that." He paused for a moment. "And you know why."

"I want you to tell me," she said. The thought of what came next terrified her. She knew the ramifications, but she couldn't let it go unsaid.

"This isn't helping anything." Kevin sat down on the side of the bed.

"Tell me why you have to go, Kevin. Tell me why you can't stay here. If it's so important…if you really have to go…at least admit it. At least say it."

She was so exasperating and she drove him crazy in a way that was so maddening and irritating and unbelievably wonderful. "The other night, for one. That can't happen. You know it can't happen."

"So, that's it? You're leaving because we slept together. You're leaving because for one night we leaned on each other?" The tears that streamed down her cheeks were no longer solely about her lost son. "I don't want to lose you, Kevin. Please…don't do this."

"You think I want to leave? You think I want to walk away from my family? Away from you? But if I don't…If I stay here…" He stood up, turning towards the door, his breath catching in his throat as his voice broke.

"Kevin?" Kelly called out to him, surprised by his sudden silence. "Are you there?"

"You've got a new message," Joey replied standing in the doorway.

"Joe," Kevin said, still almost too stunned to speak.

"Joey?" Kelly stood immediately. "Kevin. I'm on my way." She threw down the phone and headed out the door.

"Joe. Listen…I don't know what you heard," he began, alarmed by how his brother's calm demeanor.

"All of it," Joey responded, his voice slow and empty. "You know you should really make sure the machine is off before you start recounting the events of your conquests, Kev. It can get messy."

"Joe, we need to talk about this…I can explain." Kevin took a step towards him, desperate to do anything to salvage the situation.

"I think I've got a pretty clear picture of this one without your help," Joey countered. "This time you listen. I'll talk."


	8. Chapter 8

**Negotiation**

"Listen Joey…" Kevin took a step backwards, trying to increase the distance between them. He knew a volatile situation when he saw it and right now, he was in one. "I don't think you understand exactly what you heard."

"Oh!" Joey yelled, feeling more than a little out of control. "I didn't understand? Well then in that case.." He reached over to the bed, grabbing the suitcase filled with clothing and throwing it across the room. "Why don't you help me understand…actually…scratch that…why don't you just answer a simple question for me? This should clear up any confusion I might have."

Kevin stood there silently. There was nothing he could say to make this better…nothing to lessen the blow. He didn't need to hear his question. He already knew what it was.

"Did you or did you not sleep with my wife?" Joey's eyes across the room, directly into those of his brothers.

"I…" The answer was simple, but the situation was anything but.

"This isn't any essay question, Kev. I know you're a kick ass journalist and all, but there isn't any spinning to this story. Either you had sex with my wife or you didn't? So how about stop the damn stonewalling and answer the question!" He felt the blood rushing to his face as his heart pounded in his ears.

"Yes," Kevin managed. "Yes, I did." He looked up at Joey, his eyes still staring into his. This time the look wasn't disgust. This time it was disbelief.

"It wasn't enough was it?" Joey turned away, unable to face him.

"Joe," Kevin started towards him, then stopped. "I don't know what to say. I don't.."

"You just shut up," Joey replied, his voice icy and cold. "Kelly lost her son. She's crazy with grief. She's not eating. She's not sleeping and you come in and decide that now is the perfect opportunity, huh? Because that's what you do isn't it, Kev? You go after the ones that need you…the ones that are vulnerable. You did it with Cassie. She wasn't happy with Andrew. She needed more, so you stepped in. You did it with Grace. She'd grown up without a family, without any real support, and you became everything to her. You get these women…you draw them in, make them depend on you, and then you destroy them. That's what you do isn't it?"

Kevin said nothing.

"Aren't you even going to say anything? You take advantage of a woman that is grieving for her son? Because that's what it was, right?" Joey could feel his entire body shaking. The shred of sanity that he had left was hinging on the answer to that question. Believing that Kevin had taken advantage of the situation was the only thing that made sense. Kelly wouldn't do this to him again, would she?

Kevin stood, watching him pace furiously back and forth in front of him. What's one more lie? "Yes," he said.

Joey took a breath, reaching down and grabbing the suitcase. "You pack your stuff and after the service tomorrow, I want you gone….for good. No visits, no cards, no phone calls. I want you to disappear. I don't have a brother. You're gone."

"No," Kelly said softly, her face crumbling when Joey turned to face her as she stood in the door way. "Don't…"

"Kelly," Kevin said softly. "Why don't you just go downstairs?" The way Joey had been acting, the situation was far from conducive for a healthy discussion.

"No..I think Kelly should be here," Joey replied, extending his hand towards his wife. "She needs to know what you've decided." He looked over at Kevin. "Tell her," he demanded.

"I'm leaving." Kevin looked away quickly, unable to watch the tears flow down her cheeks.

Kelly shook her head, the tears coming faster.

"After tomorrow's service, I'm going to board a flight to London and you and Joe are going to get back to your life…together… The way it should be". He forced himself to look at her and smile. "I should have never taken advantage of the situation."

"You didn't," she said softly, looking back at Joey. "He didn't. Kevin didn't do anything that I didn't want," she admitted. "I was with him because I wanted to be…and if he leaves town, that won't change."

Joey jerked his hand away, heading for the doorway.

"Joey…Joey…wait," Kelly yelled running after him.

Kevin waited until he heard the voices fade down the stairs. He'd already lost his son. Today he might have lost his brother.

 **Overwhelmed**

"Joey…Joey please" She hurried down the stairs, trying to keep up with him. "Joey, wait!" She grabbed his shoulder as he reached the landing.

"Don't touch me," he yelled back at her. "Why don't you go back upstairs? My brother could use some more comforting?"

"Joey…" She clutched the banister for support as her legs felt like they might give way beneath her. "I never meant…"

"My God…it's like déjà vu," he screamed, throwing his hands into the air and walking away. "You never mean for it to happen, do you? You just happen to fall into bed with my brother?" He walked closer to her, leaning in close to her face. "How long, Kelly? How long has it been going on? When I go away on business…does Kevin come home for a long weekend to keep you company? When I wake up in the middle of the night and you're not in bed….are you really getting something to eat or are you downstairs on the phone with my brother?"

"Stop it," she pleaded. "It's not like that…it was never like that and you know it."

"No," he shook his head. "I don't know that . I don't know anything anymore. I thought I knew you. I thought I had a wife that loved me and wanted to be with me. A wife that wanted to build a life with me…"

"I do love you," she cried, tears streaming down her face. She'd never seen Joey this upset. The last time he'd been furious, but this time…this time it was more angry..more hurt…more betrayed. She slumped down onto the floor, unable to stand it any longer.

Kevin quickly came downstairs. "Why don't you calm down?" he said to Joey, glancing over at Kelly. "She doesn't need this right now."

"That's right, Kev. Comfort her…don't let me stop you," he sneered, turning towards the door.

"No," Kelly stood, rushing towards him. "Please let me explain." She reached out, grabbing his arm.

Joey whirled around, grabbing her shoulders roughly. "Explain what?" he screamed.

In seconds Kevin's hands were on him and Joey went flying onto the floor.

"Get your hands off her. She's pregnant, you idiot! She's having your baby!" Kevin walked over to Kelly, putting his arm around her and leading her over to the couch. They sat there, his arms around her as he desperately tried to calm her.

The sound of the door shutting startled them.

Kelly turned as tears continued to fall. "He left," she said quietly.

"He'll be back," Kevin said, still softly rubbing her back. He silently prayed he was right.

 **Pretending**

Kevin bent his fingers ever so slightly, trying to coax the blood back into his hand. Glancing over at the clock, he closed his eyes again. 6:15. Todaywas the day he would bury his son. Kelly lay beside him, her head on his shoulder, his around her shoulders, a blanket draped over them both.

It had taken hours to calm her last night and even longer to convince her to eat something. The thought of his brother walking out the door had been too much for her, but secretly he wondered if walking out was kinder than staying. Joey had been so hurt and so betrayed last night that his anger was unedited. His words had been cruel and unfeeling. Words couldn't be taken back and he imagined, even in his anger, Joey knew that.

The sound of the doorbell caused her to stir. She opened her eyes and turned towards Kevin.

"I'll get it," he told her, pulling the covers up over her shoulders as he stood. "You just rest."

Kevin opened the door to find Joey, already dressed in his suit, and clearly here with a purpose.

"Is Kelly here?" Joey asked, barely able to look at Kevin as he pushed past him into the foyer.

"Yeah, she is. She's resting in the living room. Look, Joe."

"I need to talk with my wife." His words were deliberate leaving no room for argument.

Kelly appeared in the room quickly. "Joey," she said softly, her eyes tired, but already burning with the possibility of tears. As confused as she was about her feelings, she was certain one a few things—one of them being, she never wanted to see Joey hurt.

He looked at her, resisting the urge to walk over, take her in his arms and hold her. His every instinct was to protect her, comfort her, and promise her that everything would be ok, but he didn't think it ever would be—not now…not after this…not after she'd betrayed him…with his brother….again.

"Is it true? What Kevin said yesterday? Is it true?" He looked at her as she stood there. She looked so fragile, as if at any moment, she could literally shatter into pieces. He struggled to keep up his resolve. "Are you pregnant?"

"Yes," she managed, already feeling her body begin to shake. Seeing him like this, so cold towards her made her feel physically ill. Nothing compared to this kind of punishment. He could slap her across the face and not hurt her this much. In fact, it would have been kinder.

Joey took a breath. "Is it mine?"

"What?" Her breath caught in her throat as the tears stung at her eyes.

"Joe," Kevin said, stepping towards him.

"Oh, like I'm supposed to just know that." Joey scoffed at them both. "You admitted to sleeping with my brother. Who knows how long that's been going on."

"The baby is yours, Joey," she said quietly. It wasn't worth the fight. He was right. She'd lied to him, betrayed him, broken his heart. He had no reason to trust her. "And Kevin and I…we were together…we were only together…"

"Don't Kelly," Kevin spoke. She didn't need this today. None of them did. Not today. "Why don't you go take a shower? I need to talk to my brother alone for a minute."

Kelly nodded, walking quickly up the stairs, grateful for a reprieve. She wasn't up for the fight.

"I don't need to talk to you," Joey snapped, already moving to head out the door.

"Well then you don't have to talk." Kevin grabbed the back of his jacket, turning him around to face him. "You listen to me…you wanna hurt somebody, you wanna hate somebody…you wanna blame somebody right now? You blame me, you hate me, you hurt me. You leave her alone right now!"

He glared at Joey, who simply stared back at him, his eyes icy cold.

"She's burying her son today! She doesn't need you making her feel any worse. You can go right back to being as mad as hell tomorrow, but today..she needs you. You don't do it for her…do it for your baby."

Joey scoffed. "You must be joking." He narrowed his eyes at Kevin. "You've stepped right in for me before…you made her feel much better, Kev. You be there for her." He turned heading into the living room.

Kevin watched him walk away. He was thinking. That was a good sign.

Kevin walked down the straightening his tie, surprised to see Kelly hadn't yet made it down. "Kelly," he called upstairs. "You ok?"

"Yeah." She stared into the mirror, smoothing her hair for what had to be the twentieth time. Why it mattered, she didn't know, but today, she needed to look perfect. Reaching up, she touched the silver pendant that hung around her neck. The Eiffel Tower…It had been a gift from Zane on Mother's Day. She remembered how touched she'd been to learn he'd bought it with his own money.

She walked down the stairs slowly, happy to see Kevin waiting for her. As much as she hated to admit it, she wouldn't make it through this alone.

"You look beautiful," Kevin whispered, eyeing the necklace. "It's nice."

"You remember when he…" Her voice broke, the tears streaming down her face.

"Yeah," Kevin reached out, pulling her close to him. "He said he picked the Eiffel Tower because you loved Paris so much and he wanted you to take him to the places you liked to go as a kid."

Kelly smiled. "Yeah, but I hated Paris growing up…it wasn't until…" She stopped then, seeing Joey standing at the far end of the room. "You're still here," she whispered.

Joey took a breath. "Yeah. Today is gonna be tough. I'll uh..I'll go with you if you want." He extended his hand towards her, waiting for her move.

Kelly walked towards him, bypassing his hand, and putting her arms around him. "Thank you," she whispered, her body already beginning to shake with sobs.

Joey shook his head. "I don't want you to think this means…" Looking over at Kevin, he stopped. "You don't need to thank me," he whispered, placing his arms around her. For today, they would all just pretend.

 **Quiet**

She sat, her knees to her chest, her arms right tight around them. Joey sat beside her, his hand resting on her shoulder as she huddled in the corner sobbing.

"Thanks," he said, reaching for the small cup of water Kevin handed him.

"You need to drink this." He gently placed the cup in Kelly's hands. The water splashed from all sides as she shook violently. Carefully he steadied her hands with his own, bringing the cup to her lips.

"He's so still," she whispered, her voice barely a whisper. "So quiet…and so still."

Kevin turned his back, unable to watch her fall apart. It had taken everything he had to get through the service. He'd listened to his family members bid their goodbyes to his son—each one recounting a different memory, telling a different story, reminding him of a different part of his son that he would miss forever. When it was his turn to speak, he barely got the words out….not that the words really mattered. There was no way to explain the hole in his heart.

Kelly had held it together for most of the service, though she didn't try to speak. As they'd walked over to the small room, she'd seem calm, yet the moment the door opened and her eyes fell upon the open casket, she began to sob.

"I wanted to remember," she sobbed, her hands still shaking. "I wanted to remember him like he was…not like this…"

Kevin kneeled down in front of her. "I'm so sorry, Kel. I didn't know…I didn't know they were going to do that. I thought we were just saying goodbye. I swear."

Her pained cries echoed throughout the room. Kevin's eyes locked with Joey's.

As angry as he was, Joey's heart broke for her…for both of them and for a moment, what he'd done didn't matter. Kelly's indiscretions were irrelevant as well. What mattered was that a woman he loved, and probably always would, was in unbearable pain and he wanted more than anything to help her. Reaching down, he gathered her in his arms.

"Come on," he whispered, draping his jacket over her as he held her. "We're going to take you out of here." Looking back over his shoulder he spoke to Kevin. "Are you coming?"

Kevin nodded, and followed behind.

 **Reality**

The empty chair seemed to glare at him. He knew he should sit down and wait…just wait. Joey—her husband, he reminded himself silently, was in with her. She was fine. Yet, even his best journalistic skills of persuasion couldn't convince him. As he continued his pace up and down the sterile hospital hall, he tried to imagine an ending to the story….an ending where everyone didn't end up hurt.

Kevin was in front of Joey in an instant, his thoughts cut short when he saw the hospital door open. "How is she?" He couldn't hide his concern for her and at this point, he didn't even try.

"She's resting." Looking at his face…the face of his own brother…he could tell…He loved her and even though it made him feel sick inside, he understood. The lines and creases on his brother's face mirrored the ones on his own. Joey lowered his hand as he continued, "They want to keep her overnight just to be safe, but she's ok and the..the baby is fine too."

The air left his lungs in a long sigh of relief. "Thank God," Kevin muttered, glancing upwards briefly. "I just want to go let her know that I'm here."

Joey reached out, placing his hand over the door. "They want her to rest."

Kevin nodded. "Ok…so uh, tomorrow…she can go home?"

"Yeah…I'm supposed to come in the morning and wait on the release papers. I'll drive her home." Joey paused for a moment. "Wherever the hell that is."

Kevin watched him as he walked away before settling in to the empty chair. There would be no rest for him tonight.


	9. Chapter 9

**Support**

"Hold the door," he yelled to Joey, his skin burning as her nails sank into his flesh.

"Kel, come on…please…" Her screams echoed throughout the empty church. "He doesn't need you here." Kevin stroked her face gently, trying to calm her.

"I can't leave him here," she sputtered, her breaths coming in shallow gasps. She struggled against the restraints of his arms. "I have to go back. He's alone…He's alone…He's alone…."

A medical supply cart slammed into the arm of his chair, startling him awake.

"Sorry," the young orderly replied, smiling apologetically and hurrying past him.

Kevin nodded, glancing at his watch, grateful it was morning. In truth he was surprised he'd gone to sleep at all, though after reliving the events of the previous evening, he'd hardly call it restful. Even now he could still hear Kelly's screams. She'd still been screaming when Joey called for the ambulance, yet by the time they arrived she was so exhausted she could barely speak.

The elevator doors opened with the familiar chime he'd become accustomed to. Joey's face appeared from behind them.

"Kevin," Joey sighed.

Kevin took a deep breath, mentally preparing himself for the onslaught. The look on Joey's face told him that he was far from happy to see him.

"Mr. Buchanan?"

"Yes," both Joey and Kevin answered simultaneously.

"Sorry," Kevin said softly, deferring to Joey and taking a small step backwards.

"I'm Joey Buchanan. I'm Kelly's husband. How is she?" Joey wasn't sure how much the hospital staff had picked up on. The drama of their family wasn't front page news as of yet, but everybody talked.

"Mrs. Buchanan had a restful night," the doctor replied. "Her blood pressure is back within range and her blood work is all normal. We've had her on fetal monitors overnight and everything seems to be progressing normally."

Joey nodded, smiling slightly. He couldn't miss the deep sigh of relief he heard behind him. "So, is there anything she needs to do…anything I need to do?"

"The best thing you can do for your wife, Mr. Buchanan is to support her. Be there for her…keep the stress level low. As long as she takes care of herself and keeps the stress under control, everything seems to be on track for a healthy pregnancy." He reached down, glancing at his beeper. "Now, if you'll excuse me…I have other patients that aren't quite as fortunate."

"Thank you doctor," Kevin called out as the doctor made a hasty exit.

Turning around slowly, Joey looked at his brother. There was no denying that he'd been here all night. "I'm gonna go see Kelly," he said quietly.

"Joe," Kevin reached out. "Remember what the doctor said, ok?"

"You know what Kevin…I know you think you've got the market cornered on everything Kelly's ever wanted or needed, but I'm still her husband and no matter what she's done, I love her. I don't want her hurt. I care about her and I care about this baby and I'm not going to do anything to cause either of them any pain." He could feel the tension rising in his body as he looked at his brother.

"Joe, I know you don't want Kelly hurt, but I don't want you to be so determined to hurt me that she gets caught in the crossfire. That's all I'm saying."

Joey turned with a disgusted sigh. "I'm going to see my wife," he muttered.

 **Truth**

He stood silently by the door, careful not to make enough noise to alert her to his presence. Even now, knowing what she'd done, the sight of her so sad made him crazy. He'd give anything to take away some fraction of the pain she was experiencing.

Slowly he made his way over to the bed, gently taking her hand in his. Her eyes slowly opened, remaining at a drowsy half mast, then opening more fully as she processed his presence. "Joey," she whispered, her surprised tone making him feel even worse. "You're here?"

"Of course I'm here." He reached back, pulling over the chair from the corner of the room. He wanted to be offended, to chastise her for expecting so little of him, but his behavior lately has been anything but predictable. "How are you?"

"Tired." That was the easy answer. She didn't have the other words to explain how she felt. If she started to list them, they seemed overwhelming, so she didn't try—not anymore.

He nodded, taking a breath. "Listen…I talked to the doctor. He said you can go home today." There was no reaction…he'd hoped for something…anything to help him decide where to go from there.

"That's good," she responded, after the uncomfortable silence permeated the air for several moments. She wanted to ask where home was. She wanted to scream and yell and cry all at the same time, but that's what got her here in the first place.

Joey watched her as she sat there, saying nothing, but clearly thinking a million thoughts. He thought back on the doctor's words. She needed support. "Do you still love me?"

The words seemed to hang there, spoken but unanswered, and, after looking at her expression, he desperately wished he could retrieve them.

"I'll always love you," she said softly, surprised when no tears fell. Perhaps they truly were gone. Maybe she had used them all.

"And Kevin?" His mind screamed at him to stop…not to look for trouble, but he had to know. If it was true, he had to hear her say it. "Do you love, my brother?"

"I don't know." She took a breath, deciding to take advantage of her moment. "But, there's something with Kevin. I just know that it's more than any woman should feel when she's married to someone else."

He'd known the answer, even before asking the question, but somehow hearing her say it made it real…too real to deny…to real to ignore…too real to avoid. He stood, making his way towards the door.

"What did you want me to say?" Her voice shook, threatening the tears she'd foolishly thought were a thing of the past.

Turning around, he stopped. As a reporter, he'd often been told to focus on the facts, and right now—he'd have to put it into practice. His wife was having his baby, but she was in love with another man—his brother. It wasn't about his pride, or his ego anymore…it was about a woman he loved, a brother who was his best friend, and a baby that hadn't asked for any of it.

"I don't want you to say anything," he said softly, walking back over to the side of the bed and handing her a robe. "I'm going to go get your release papers and pull the car around."

"Joey," Kelly grabbed his hand, stopping him. "Don't leave like this…please…Just tell me…What do you want me to do?"

"Take care of yourself," he replied softly. "Take care of yourself and take care of our baby. That's the best thing you can do for me right now."

 **Understanding**

Minute by minute—at least that's how it had to be at first. Kevin would come over and he'd try not to see it…try not to catch their looks, their touches, their smiles. And then, though he wasn't quite sure how, minutes turned to hours, and hours turned to days. Pretty soon Kevin's visits bothered him less and less because eventually he left and Kelly was his again.

It was the nights that really got to him. She'd always been a night person, and luckily so was he. At first, when she'd surprised him by padding down the stairs in the middle of the night, he'd been unsure of what to do…not knowing if she wanted him to leave, or if she was looking for company. But he'd decided to stay and, like always, they'd ended up eating snacks, watching television, and laughing way into the night.

Tonight was no different. He smiled at her, as she came downstairs, her hair pulled up in a messy ponytail. The pink robe he loved so much, pulled tight across her waist.

"Room for one more?" She smiled at him, gesturing to the couch.

He'd swear her smile could light up a room, and no matter what she said, when it was followed by that smile, the answer was always yes.

"Sure." He moved a pillow towards the other side, making sure she'd be comfortable. Leaning forward, he grabbed a bowl. "Pasta salad," he smiled, handing it to her. "No olives…just like you like it."

"How did you know I wanted this?" she giggled, reaching in and plucking a cube of cheddar cheese from the mix.

"I have a fork," he teased, watching her as he chewed. The smile spread across his face as he watched her. She was happier tonight than he'd seen her in a while.

"What are you smiling about?" She hadn't seen him this relaxed in quite some time. Even as nice as it had been, being friends again, there was always some level of underlying tension there, but tonight…tonight was different. Joey seemed different.

He moved, shifting onto his side to face her. "I just…I've been thinking about this…about us."

She stopped chewing, forcing herself to swallow. Joey hadn't called them 'us' in a very long time, for good reason. "Joey.." she began, already concerned about the turn of the conversation.

"Wait," he stopped her. "Please let me finish…before I lose my nerve." He reached over, carefully placing his hand on hers, which rested on her stomach. "I want you to know that I love you and I love this baby," he said softly.

Kelly relaxed a little. "I know that, Joey. I've never doubted that…not for a second."

"And these last few weeks," he stopped, searching his mind for the right words, "If I've learned anything these past few weeks, it's what's important…and that's family and love and relationships. It's having the people you care about close to you."

Kelly nodded.

"So, I want you to know that I want to make this work. You and me and our baby..a family…just like we always wanted. I know about what happened with Kevin, but it's ok. We'll get through it…We'll work through it…together. Kevin will go back to London and we'll have our baby and if we need to talk to someone or if…"

"Joey…Joey…stop." Kelly took a breath, barely able to look up at him. "I know how much you love this baby and I know that you love me and I want us to be a family. I know what a wonderful father you'll be."

He smiled, still holding her hand in his. "Ok, so then what's the problem?"

"Kevin," she said softly. "Kevin asked me to marry him."

"And you told him no, right? You told him you're already married…and we haven't even talked about this…we haven't even talked about a divorce."

"That's why I came down here tonight," she admitted, averting her eyes, "I want a divorce, Joey."

 **Victors and** **Victims**

The silence seemed so thick and heavy he felt as if he needed to shovel through it. Its presence just as real as if it were physical debris, the remains of a disaster—of a dream shattered.

"A divorce?" he managed, his voice lower than he'd anticipated. "A divorce?" he said again, trying desperately to sound more together than he felt.

"Joey," Kelly began. It was his eyes mainly—the hope that she'd seen in them just moments before—the light that shone from within them…the fact that she'd been the one to take that way. "I'm so sorry," she whispered, unsure of anything else she could say to make it better.

He stood up, turning away quickly, feeling his eyes begin to burn. It wasn't that he was afraid of the tears. God knows she'd seen him cry many times before, but this time…this time he couldn't let it happen. He couldn't fall apart again…not tonight….not again. "I just…I wasn't expecting…." Taking a deep breath, he turned to face her again, biting the inside of his lip so hard that he could taste a trace of blood. "I just didn't expect you to say that."

"I know," she responded softly, looking down at the floor. "I've been trying to think of a way to tell you…someway that would make it hurt less." She shook her head, in that moment acutely aware of how stupid that sounded. She wasn't certain if she'd ever seen him more hurt than he was as he stood before her now.

"I guess I just thought that maybe…." He stopped himself, shaking his head. It didn't matter…it didn't matter what he thought, or what he wanted. What mattered was what was… He looked up at the clock on the mantle. "It's late," he managed, his voice trembling slightly. "You probably need to get some sleep."

"Joey," Kelly began hesitantly. "I think we should talk about this. I don't want to leave it like this. I don't want us to be angry and…"

"Goodnight, Kel," he responded quickly, heading up the stairs.

* * *

The night seemed to drag on forever. He knew because he'd seen every hour. She promised she would tell him and, even though he knew it would be difficult, he thought he deserved to know.

Kevin stood at the doorway. It was moments like this that he was reminded of just how different his life was now. A few months ago, he would have opened the door, all too comfortable with walking into his brother's home, but not now…now he knocked and hoped he'd be invited in.

The look on Joey's face as he appeared at the door told him that the conversation had already taken place. The door opened slowly and he stood there glaring at him. Kevin stilled for a moment, unsure if he should try to walk past or simply remain still.

"I guess congratulations are in order," Joey's voice was low and cold.

It would have been easier if he'd yelled or screamed. He'd been prepared for that. He'd been prepared for the fight, for the black eye, for the insults, but not for this…not for the calm…not for the disappointment that was reflected in his brother's eyes…and most of all, not for the guilt that gnawed at his very core.

"Joe," he said quietly, taking a small step inside the room as Joey closed the door behind him. "Can we talk about this?"

"What's there to talk about Kevin? I mean really? You won. You always do. I'm always close…I always put up a good fight, but in the end you always win."

"This isn't a game, Joe." The words had barely escaped his lips before he regretted them. The flash of anger in Joey's eyes seemed to appear instantaneously.

"You think I don't know that?!" he screamed, no longer able to control the anger that seemed to overwhelm him. "My God Kevin, you slept with my wife. You destroyed my life! We were happy. We were in love and you came here and you took it all away."

Kevin nodded. He deserved it. He deserved all the anger Joey had to hurl at him. "I know it seems that way, but you have to know I didn't mean for any of this to happen."

"You know, I might have bought that line the first time, but now….now it's just a bad habit. You just have this nasty habit of wanting what other people have and you're so damn competitive aren't you? Everything is a competition…and you try and you try and you try until you get what you want….Well congratulations….you got it….you won."

"Stop it," Kelly said, her voice trembling from the stairwell. She made her way over to Joey, stepping in between them and turning to look into his eyes. "You think this is some stupid pissing contest between the two of you? You think your brother wants me because you had me?" She took a breath, forcing herself to calm down. "That's the only reason, right? Because there couldn't possibly be more to it than that?"

"I didn't mean it like that." Joey looked at her. "This doesn't have anything to do with you. You don't know what it's like to be his brother. You didn't grow up in his shadow…constantly trying to keep up with him…constantly trying to be good enough….and even now…even this….He walks away the winner. He has it all."

"There are no winners here, Joe, but I don't want anyone to lose anything here either….especially not this baby. I think that's something we can both agree on."

Joey nodded. "You know that," he said quietly. "I wouldn't ever want my child to suffer because of any of this."

Kevin stepped forward. "Then you and I have to figure out a way to coexist here….we've got to work something out because otherwise the one that's really going to end up paying for all of this is your kid and I know you don't want that to happen."

Kelly looked over at Joey, her eyes glistening. "Please, just think about it?" she asked softly.

Joey nodded. "I will, I promise."

"Listen," she continued. "Kevin and I are going to get out of here for a while. I'll be back this afternoon and we can talk about things."

Joey nodded again, not completely trusting himself with words at the moment. As the door closed he took a deep breath, reaching for the handle of the desk drawer. As he shuffled papers around, he said a silent prayer that it was still there. Pulling out the small white card, he glanced at it, picked up the phone and dialed.

"You have no idea how good it is to hear your voice," he said into the receiver. "I could really, really use a friend right now."


	10. Chapter 10

**Words**

"You want to talk about it?" Kevin asked hesitantly. Between the two of them, they had barely uttered five words since leaving the house, but there was no doubt what was on her mind…or his.

Kelly looked up, her eyes still shimmering with tears. "I don't even know what to say," she softly responded. "Nothing makes any sense."

"It doesn't have to." He wrapped his arm around her, pulling her closer to him. "You just talk and maybe…I don't know…maybe it'll make it better."

She sat down with a heavy sigh, her eyes closing as the image of Joey's face flashed back into her mind. "You didn't see him, Kevin. You didn't see his face."

"I know…I know I didn't." This morning the hurt had been replaced, at least in part, by anger, but last night…last night he couldn't imagine how hurt Joey would have been.

"What did he say to you?" he asked, not certain he really wanted to know.

"That's just it," she responded sadly. "He didn't say anything. If he'd screamed or yelled—if he'd been angry…I don't know. I think….I think I could have dealt with that, but he looked so hurt, so sad. He just stood there." She shook her head, in an effort to physically shake the images from her remembrance. "You just…you didn't see him."

Reaching out, he took her hand in his. "We'll talk to him. Somehow…Someway….we'll make this work."

Kelly shook her head. "I don't know, Kevin. I don't know that there are enough words to fix this."

* * *

"Wow, that was quick," Joey forced a smile as he opened the door.

"Yeah, well, when you send a Buchanan jet to pick a girl up, things happen kind of fast," she smiled, stepping into the room. Looking at Joey's face, she sighed. "I take it this wasn't a social call to catch up with a good friend."

"I wish," Joey sighed. "Not that I don't want to catch up," he quickly added. "I do…and not that you're not a good friend, you are…"

"Joey," she stopped him, holding up her hand. "Just tell me what's going on."

He shook his head, almost embarrassed to say her name. Walking over to the couch, he motioned for her to sit down, gesturing to the coffee pot and cups displayed in front of them. "It's Kelly," he said quietly.

"Joey," she groaned, casting her eyes upward. "You haven't given up on that yet?"

"You don't understand. We were happy. We were in love. We got married," he protested. "It's just…"

"Just what?" All of that was clearly in the past. It didn't take a professional to figure that out.

"It's over now…She's with someone else."

"Who?" she asked, her interest slightly peaked. Joey was a good guy, and even Kelly knew it. Despite her personal opinion of her, she'd always thought she loved Joey, and she had to admit she was surprised to hear she'd found someone new.

"My brother," Joey admitted sadly.

 **eX..or soon to be**

"A new normal" That's what she'd said when he'd asked her, point blank, how he would get through this. Those words became his mantra of sorts, and somehow…eventually…he began to feel better.

"You ready for this?" she asked, descending the stairway, surprised to find him already up and dressed.

He looked back, smiling in spite of himself when he saw her. Knowing that Kelly was with his brother hurt in a way he couldn't adequately describe and sometimes he thought he wouldn't make it through the day, but then she'd call, or stop by and it would seem bearable—even if just for a little while.

"As ready as I'm gonna get, I think," he admitted.

"At least she called you," she smiled, touching his arm lightly and giving it a reassuring squeeze. "She obviously wants you involved."

He nodded. "I know she does, I just…I don't if…" He stopped. He wanted to be there…needed to be there, but every time he saw her with his brother another piece of him died. It was the way she smiled when he touched her. The way her shoulders relaxed when he reached up and straightened the collar of her coat. All the things she used to do with him….

"Joey…"

"Yeah, sorry…," He looked over at her as she now sat down on the lowest step. "In case I haven't said it lately, I can't tell you how much it means to me that you're here. Sometimes it seems like you're the only friend I have."

"You know that's not true. You have plenty of friends. Besides, I can remember plenty of times that you were here for me."

His brows furrowed, "Name one," he scoffed.

"You helped me move that time, remember? And you helped me find the perfect place for that painting."

"Oh yeah," he smiled. "That was a great sacrifice."

"You listened to me talk about my Mom," she said, her voice lowering a little, "And you never made me feel like I was a burden for needing someone to talk to."

"You weren't," he said.

"Neither are you," she smiled. "Besides, it gets kind of lonely with no one to rescue."

"Oh." He laughed then, a real laugh…like one he hadn't experienced in quite some time. "So now, I'm a new project?"

"Maybe," she smiled, looking up at him. "But, maybe if I'm lucky…this time there's a chance for something more."

* * *

"Maybe he's not coming," Kelly shifted uncomfortably on the bench. "He sounded really weird when I called."

"Joey wouldn't miss this," Kevin assured her. "He's might be upset with me and maybe even upset with the situation, but this baby is important to him. He loves this kid. He's not going to mess this up."

She rubbed her belly protectively. "I just hope he's not so angry with me that…" Her voice trailed off.

"Hey," he whispered, reaching over to take her hand. "Joey cares about you. He couldn't stay angry at you even if he wanted to."

"Sorry I'm late." Joey appeared in the hallway, glancing over at Kevin and nodding slightly as an acknowledgement of his presence. "Is he, uh..staying?"

Kevin sighed. Joey had barely said a word to him directly since this whole mess took place. He'd speak to him through Kelly and when he absolutely had to on the phone, but that was it.

"No, I'm gonna go," Kevin replied, ignoring Joey's obvious silent treatment. "The two of you need to have this time together."

Joey nodded, holding out his hand to Kelly. "You ready?"

Kelly nodded, taking a deep breath before standing up. "See you later," called back to Kevin as she looked over her shoulder.

He smiled back at her as they walked away.

 **Years**

There weren't words, at least not any that made any sense, to describe what he felt as he stared at the image in his hands. A black and white screenshot of what, up until a few moments ago, might have looked to him like a strange alien life form. Now, he realized as he inhaled deeply, he looked at the first real photo of his daughter. Sensing Kelly's presence beside him, he looked up, meeting her eyes for the first time.

"Thanks," he managed, his voice more than a little hoarse, a mix of stress and overwhelming emotions. "Thanks for inviting me here."

She stared at him, a bit taken aback by his words. "Of course I invited you," she responded, making her way towards a bench outside the door. "You honestly thought I'd do something like this without you?"

Joey's eyes studied the floor. He didn't want to think that. In fact every day he fought those thoughts as they invaded his mind. The thought of Kevin taking his place in her bed, in her heart, in her life, but the truth was, he feared the reality of it happening more than anything else.

His silence was answer enough.

"Do you have some time?" she asked.

"I'll be glad to drive you home if you need me to," Joey offered, assuming that was the point behind her question.

"No." She shook her head. "I'm actually a little hungry and I thought maybe we could grab a bite to eat and talk."

"Oh." He hoped he didn't appear as shocked as he felt. The last time Kelly had initiated a serious conversation with him, she'd asked him for a divorce. The papers, he thought. Was she upset that he hadn't returned them yet?

"I'll sign the papers," he responded, looking her in the eyes. "I just…I don't know…I couldn't do it yet."

Kelly nodded. "That's not what I want to talk to you about," she smiled. "Unless…I mean…unless you have other plans."

"No. I don't…I mean, that would be good…talking is good."

She nodded, leading the way towards the car.

* * *

A small smile crept on her lips as she sat in the chair and felt herself being gently pushed forward. Joey was always the perfect gentleman….even when they were younger; he'd always amazed her with his charm.

"Thanks," she whispered. She looked up, still wondering about his quick acceptance of her impromptu invitation. "You sure you didn't have anything planned today?"

"I'm sure," he said. "There's no one waiting for me."

Kelly smiled again. "That's not what I've heard."

"Have you been talking to Jessica?" Joey leaned back slightly in the chair. He certainly wouldn't say his love life was taking off, but things had been getting slightly more serious with Dorothy. At first she was a friend—a friend willing to listen, but lately….lately it had been less about listening and more about talking about anything, everything….. She made him laugh and he'd missed that.

"I'm happy for you. I want you to be happy. That's all I've ever wanted for you."

He nodded, feeling a little uncomfortable discussing a potential new relationship with his not quite ex-wife. A change of subject was definitely in order. "So, uh…what did you want to talk about," he asked?

Kelly looked at him, her eyes searching his for signs of his mood. "I want you to understand that Kevin and I….we don't have anything to do with the relationship you're going to have with this baby."

Joey felt his body tense with the mere mention of his brother's name. "Kel," he began. "We don't have to talk about this."

"We do," she protested. "I need you to understand that you don't have to thank me for including you in this child's life. You're going to be a part of her life. You're her father…that's never going to change." She looked across the table at him, aware of the thought that was running through his mind at that very moment.

"And I wouldn't want it to," she said, reaching over and taking his hand. "Honest."

Joey smiled. She knew him almost as well as he knew himself…sometimes he thought she might know him better. "Thanks for saying that."

"I'm not just saying it. I mean it. Just because Kevin and I are together, there's no reason that you and I can't be friends…there's no reason we can't be important to each other and care about each other and raise this little girl together."

"Have you told Kevin all this?" he asked.

"Kevin would never want to keep you away from your child, Joey." She looked across at him again. "Your brother loves you. I know you're angry with him and I get it…I do, but he loves you and it kills him that you're still not speaking to him."

"Trust me. He doesn't want to hear what I have to say."

"I think he does," Kelly rebutted. "The fact that you aren't saying anything is much worse than anything you could say to him. He needs to know what you're thinking…what you're feeling. If you want do it for him, do it for you."

"I am doing this for me." Joey sighed, pushing the napkin, which was now in complete shreds away from his reach. "I can't keep flipping out on him over and over again. I need to find some way to be able to keep my composure and I found that way. I just pretend he doesn't exist. In my world, I don't have a brother." As he said the words, the familiar ache returned…the relationship with Kelly had been heartbreaking to lose, but sometimes losing the relationship with Kevin almost seemed more unbearable.

"Joey," she sighed, looking at him, desperately trying to reach him. "What about her?"

"Who?"

"Our daughter," she responded quietly. "Do it for her. Don't let her be born into a family with this kind of anger. Make peace with your brother…if not for the two of you, for her."

 **Zane**

He stood outside the swinging doors, his eyes darting to attention every time they opened. The last four months had gone by in a blur. Between preparing for the baby, working at the Banner, and trying to find time for a relationship with Kelly, he'd felt as if he were trapped in a whirlwind. That fact that his interactions with his brother were still cold at best did nothing to make the situation less stressful. Yet today, of all days, they were all here…all with the same purpose…welcoming a new baby girl into the Buchanan family.

Kelly smiled as she lay back in the hospital bed. She was exhausted, but happy. The look on Joey's face as he held their daughter had quelled any fears she might have had about his resentment about the situation. She wasn't sure she'd even seen him blink since they'd placed her in his arms.

"She's so beautiful," he whispered as he walked towards the bed, extending the wrapped pink bundle so that Kelly could take her.

Kelly nodded with a smile. "I can't believe she's here."

"You know" Joey leaned in taking one more peek before taking a seat in the chair by the bed, "This little girl needs a name. We can't keep calling her She…although I bet she'd be the only She in Llanview."

"She'd be the only She in the world and with good reason," Kelly giggled. "I've actually been thinking about names," she whispered, grimacing slightly as she readjusted in bed. "I know it sounds a little weird, but I want her name to mean something..not just be pretty or trendy or…"

Joey's forced his eyes wider, "You mean, Kelly Cramer doesn't base every decision on fashion? I'm shocked."

"Stop it," she smiled. "I'm serious….I was thinking about naming her after my family and maybe your Mom."

Joey smiled, suddenly realizing she was serious. "You mean Melinda?"

"Well, actually…I was thinking about Cramer…I know it's different and all, but I want her to be different and unique and anything she wants to be…Cramer Victoria Buchanan….What do you think?"

Joey stood, walking towards the door. "Well, I think we need to introduce her."

Kevin looked up immediately upon hearing the door. Joey's face stood in front of him. "She's here," he said, not able to muster his normal hostility. "Come meet her."

* * *

"I think it's a great name. A special name for a special girl…" Kevin felt his own voice shake a little as he held her. In his mind it was merely days ago that Zane had been this small and he remembered holding him in his arms many nights just like this.

Kelly watched him as he stood there, knowing exactly what the moment had been like. From the second they'd placed Cramer in her arms, the first thing she thought of is how her little face reminded her of Zane. The fact that one could experience sheer joy and sheer devastation simultaneously amazed her.

"Kevin," Joey spoke, aware of the silence that took over the room as the word escaped his lips.

Kevin halted for a moment, unsure of how to respond. His brother hadn't initiated a conversation with him in months. "Yeah…"

"I probably should have talked with Kelly about this earlier, but I didn't…but I'm sure she wouldn't have a problem with it. I've got something I want to ask you…something about Cramer."

Kelly's felt the tears sting at her eyes as she realized Joey's intention. Of all the things he could have said and all the things he could have done, she couldn't think of anything that would have meant more than this…in this moment.

"You and I have had our issues this past year," he began, clearing his throat as the all too familiar lump began to rise in it, "But I don't know that I really realized until today just how little it all matters." He looked up at his brother. "We're family—brothers and I love you."

"I love you too, Joe. I hope you know that and I hope you know that I never wanted you to get hurt in all this. I would never, ever intentionally set out to do anything to…"

Joey put up his hand. "I know, Kev. I also know how much you've been through this past year. I loved Zane, but you were his father and he couldn't have asked for a better one."

Reaching up, Kevin wiped his eyes quickly. Hearing those words from his brother meant more than he would ever be able to explain. "Thank you," he managed to choke out.

"I mean it," Joey finished. "I was there with you in London and I saw how much you loved that boy. I saw what a good father you were and I hope that I can be that kind of father for Cramer." He looked back at Kelly, receiving a reassuring nod as an incentive to continue. "I'm glad you're going to be in her life, Kev. A kid can never have too much love, and if you'll accept it, I'd really like you to be her godfather. If I can't raise my daughter, I couldn't think of anyone better than you to take my place."

Kevin stood in stunned silence for a moment, his voice so shaky that he didn't completely trust it to speak. After a minute, he looked up at his brother, walking over to him and placing a hand on his shoulder. "I'd be honored," he whispered.

 **9 Months Later**

Kelly looked around the table, still amazed at the progress that had been made in less than a year. Joey, Dorothy, Vikki, Clint, Jessica , Christian, Natalie and Brody all sat around the table chattering and waiting for the meal to begin.

Vikki stood at the head of the table, glancing over at Clint and smiling. "I'm so happy you could all be here," she smiled.

"For this rather unconventional Thanksgiving gathering," Clint added with a sly smile.

Natalie quipped, "What this isn't normal?"

The room filled with nervous laughter, until Vikki made eye contact with her daughter to shoot her a disapproving look. "I thought that since this was Thanksgiving and since we are all together, we could go around the table and have everyone tell what they're grateful for."

Vikki looked around the table, studying the none too thrilled looks of her guests. "Oh, come on," she prodded. "It'll be a nice tradition. I'll start. I'm thankful that everyone could be here today and that everyone has made it through this year with their happiness and their health." She looked over at Clint. "Your turn," she smiled.

"Do I have to be serious?" One look at Vikki and he had his answer. "I'm thankful to be back where I belong…back at home with the woman I love and with my kids….Happy and healthy..may it be the same next year. Alright sweetheart," he glanced over at Natalie. "I believe you're up.

"I'm thankful for a happy, healthy baby boy and for a wonderful man to raise him with." She smiled as she looked over at Brody and nodded.

"I'm thankful to be a part of this family…and that I can share my life with the woman I love and watch my son grow up."

Jessica sat up straighter and spoke, looking over at Christian. "I'm thankful for true love…the kind that never dies…and for the health and happiness of my children and family."

Christian smiled back at her adding, "I'm thankful that I finally figured out where I belong and that we're all here together to celebrate all the love and happiness we all have."

Joey looked up, realizing it was indeed his turn. "I'm thankful for a beautiful little girl and for a wonderful family." He looked over at Dorothy. "And for you," he added. "I'm thankful that you were here when I needed you most…and that you stayed because now I can't imagine my life without you."

Dorothy squeezed his hand lightly. "I'm thankful for the love of a wonderful man and for the acceptance of his wonderful family."

Kelly had been thinking as everyone spoke. She had so much to be thankful for this year, but sometimes the grief that still remained seemed to overshadow all the gratitude. She slowly began, "I'm thankful for this day and for every day. It's precious. I'm thankful for Kevin and my beautiful baby girl who is truly a gift. I'm thankful that I have a wonderful family both around this table and throughout this town that love and support me, and I'm grateful that my little girl will always know that she's loved by a mother, and a father, and countless other people.

Kevin smiled as she spoke, understanding the feeling she experienced. "I'm thankful for second or third," He glanced over at Kelly, "maybe fourth chances at love and life." Reaching over a little, he gently brushed the hair on Cramer's head. She smiled and giggled, grateful for the attention.

"And even though we're missing some our family this year," He squeezed Kelly's hand as he heard her intake of breath, "I'm most thankful that there are others that have joined us to help us make it through.


End file.
